Filed at 11:59 p.m. ET
Waziristan, Pakistan - Osama bin Laden was captured tonight near the Afghan-Pakistan border in a daring raid led by Senator John Kerry and assisted by many Vietnam-era veterans who enlisted for “this special ride with John”.
Saying “this band of brothers stills knows how to fight for our country”, a relaxed and triumphant John Kerry described to reporters how the stunning success was achieved.
“I reached out to foreign leaders who have been pushed away by this arrogant, unilateral Bush Administration”, he said. “Richard Clarke and Valerie Plame Wilson were invaluable in assembling data from foreign intelligence services that feel our own C.I.A has been hopelessly compromised by Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz”.
Disappearing from the public view under the ruse of a hospital visit, Sen. Kerry and his hand-picked team of thirty military experts – some from the Vietnam era – flew to Islamabad, Pakistan, where they joined up with agents of Pakistan’s ISI. The expanded group then mounted a dawn raid on a village in Waziristan, where Richard Clarke, former counter-terrorist czar under President Clinton before being demoted by President Bush, had been advised that Osam bin Laden was hiding.
“We were in and out on Chinook CH-47 transports, a weapons systems I voted many times to protect during the Gingrich era” explained Sen. Kerry. “The capture itself went like clockwork – we presented overwhelming force and demanded that Osama surrender or die. He wanted to negotiate, but I told him to save it for the United Nations, that we weren’t here for useless chit-chat. After he saw our steely resolve he came quietly.”
Some French observers were concerned that the rights and medical needs of the prisoners were not being properly observed – a visibly limping bin Laden stumbled and fell as he disembarked from the helicopter and was led into custody. When they questioned Sen. Kerry about this, he glared at them and replied sharply “He didn’t fall down. I knocked the son of a bitch down.”
The prisoners, including Mr. Bin Laden, will be transferred to the custody of the US military “as soon as we can get them to focus on it”, said Mr. Clarke.
The reaction of the White House was swift. “This is great news for the United States and the world. President Bush has said many times that the war on terror is not about one man. However, the President has been asking his senior staff about Osama bin Laden several times a day since January 21, 2001, so I can assure you he is delighted.”
Several Administration officials, speaking off the record, pointed out that this Kerry-led raid seemed to represent yet another flip-flop by the Democratic challenger. “What happened to the war on terror being more about law enforcement? And where was the legitimate international coalition when he began brandishing an automatic weapon in the boonies of Whereizdat?”
However, other Administration official expressed relief that Osama bin Laden had been captured, saying “Finally, we can get away from this distraction created by opportunistic Democrats and run on our real issues, which are the economy and the President’s energy plan”.
As Sen. Kerry waved from the helicopter steps, beginning his journey back to a hero's welcome back in the United States, over the sound of the Doors classic "Light My Fire", he could be heard shouting "mission accomplished".
